Bad Dudes, Ninjas, and the President of the United States of America

Rodger, are you a bad enough dude to rescue the president?

I wonder if the developers over at Data East thought this was our protocol for rescuing a kidnapped president. This plan is structurally sound, but I question how well those in charge carried it out. “Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the president?” Um, shouldn’t they be certain that they are before sending them out on the most important mission ever? We'd never send some random guy to run track at the Olympics and wait until warm ups to ask if he's a fast enough dude to qualify for the medal round. We find that out ahead of time. We have a protocol for that.

I'm Batman

Rodger, if you haven’t seen Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy yet, you need to. Right now. Get off this website, put away your homework, skip your chores, and go watch Batman Begins and The Dark Knight. Then rest for a little bit. Maybe do some of that homework. Is mom mad because of the whole skipping chores thing? Maybe clean your room or whatever. Even better, clean my car. After that, watch The Dark Knight Rises.

I sat and forever am at work here

You’ve probably seen my collection of Gilmore Girls DVDs by now, Rodger. Perhaps you've even borne witness to the show’s greatness. I don’t watch the show much now (at this point, it’s been off-air for about five years), but in college I was in front of the TV every Tuesday from 7:00 – 8:00PM CST, emotionally engaged in the lives of Lorelai and Rory Gilmore. Back then, I had a Gilmore Girls poster hanging on a wall in my room. The Gilmores watched over me as I slept until your mom ripped the poster, “accidentally” she’ll tell you, but I don’t think she’s that maladroit.

Giant Snakes and Jill Sandwiches

That’s right, Rodger: “the master of unlocking.” Barry actually said that. More disturbingly, someone actually wrote that. And then, inexplicably, someone else approved it. I discovered not too long ago that the Japanese release of the original Resident Evil used the English dub instead of the Japanese track. Apparently, Capcom found the Japanese acting “lame.” That is perhaps the most damaging criticism an actor can receive, considering it came from the people that were all for this:

Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too

Okay, Rodger. Zoolander is a favorite of mine, one of those movies that I would watch every week and randomly quote when among friends. You're half named after Derrick Rose but if you were born ten years ago, there's a good chance you would have been half named after Derek Zoolander instead.

I give the movie a lot of credit: never during my first viewing did I ever question Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson as male models. I'm not dogging their looks, but in retrospect this might be the most unbelievable premise of the film (this is, to remind you, a film that claims JFK was killed by "two lookers" on a grassy knoll).

My top five Zoolander moments:

5. The gasoline fight

You would never see this scene in today's movies; the cost of gas is just way too high. Also, I was surprised that Derek was smart enough to know that lighting that cigarette was a bad idea.

Man or Superman?

I know, Rodger: 218 episodes of Smallville and there were – and this is being generous – only fifteen or so episodes really worth watching. Smallville mostly retread the usual teenage drama found on hour-long shows that have actors in their twenties portray teens in high school. Occasionally (and not often enough), things went boom. Usually (and way too often), Lana, Chloe, and Lois conveniently blacked out (I think there is something severely wrong with them – you cannot spend that much time unconscious and also have a clean bill of health. There are gaps in your memory, Lana? Then you are not well). In the end, you don’t even really get to see Tom Welling don the Superman suit. I waited ten years for that.